Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
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I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.