Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
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Which wines pair best with gloating?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
no regrets
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night