“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.