the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
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Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
another case of gang violins
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.