You Might Also Like
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.