the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road