Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Its a hippotatomus
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”