drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.