This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
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I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*