Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
You Might Also Like
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!