Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Moms. The original autocorrect.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
For the ones in the back.