me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
i’m sure it’s fine
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa