Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
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Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker