*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
You Might Also Like
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Animal poetry
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
“i miss shittin on people”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.