son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka