The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
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“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
this could fix me
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.