Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
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Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream