FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
You Might Also Like
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I cannot stop laughing at this
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..