[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I told my vodka about you.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore