<- sleeps well with others
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[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
*me flirting
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent