*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
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Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
i wish i could marry a nap
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
dream blunt rotation