[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
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How high do the levels go?
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
is this a warning or an offer?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.