sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.