And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Hitlers gonna hitl
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy