*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
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Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Good point.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke