When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn鈥檛 in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
i鈥檓 a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they鈥檝e trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
馃崨
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I鈥檝e learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
What about a To-Don’t List?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
don鈥檛 talk to me until I鈥檝e had my morning crab linguine
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.