When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
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Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
12653.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
You can’t outrun your problems…
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.