[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
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Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
*jingles half the way*
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…