Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.