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Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
There’s no “us” in nachos.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.