Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
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*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
me when i see my girls butt
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.