Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
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(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening