Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
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Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.