I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
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Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
i love meeting boys on tinder