Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Don’t talk down to me
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom