When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I don’t hate children, just yours.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.