Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
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My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*