Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Always 🥴
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”