ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
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Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.