I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
A family that plays together cheats.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.