I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
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i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Mountain Goat : )
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.