[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
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[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today