me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
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If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
shit just got real
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.