Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE