witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
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I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager