Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
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fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car