I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Science memes
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder