Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
You Might Also Like
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it