To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
scared to check what name she chose
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.