me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
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Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
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